wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
