Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
