i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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