dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
