the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
