and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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