just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
