I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My bed smells like the plague
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
