So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
