so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
