i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I looked at my own cervix.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
