tonight lets celebrate not being married
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
