I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
