Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
