Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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