I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
