I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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