I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just cropdusted the office
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
