So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
