He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
