Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Are we still banned from the library?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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