I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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