don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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