Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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