Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
