Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
