One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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