as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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