She went from zero to smokin in five shots
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
