also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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