mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
