Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
