You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My life is pants optional.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
