The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
