You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
