there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
