I could make wine with my vomit
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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