Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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