A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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