He is an equal opportunity slut.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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