the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
