3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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