Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize