I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
