How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
