so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
