im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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