just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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