Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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