im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
