I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
