hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
