I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
