I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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