he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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