i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
