yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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