I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have fence marks all over my body
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
